my happy list

jason suggested i do this.

things that make me happy
by kt.

i have an ikis! hes a healthy little lizard who makes me laugh.
i have the walking dead comic books that make me dream of zombies
i look damn good in those pictures mariana took.
i made a lesbian who hates me question her views on me because of said pictures
i have a jason. who i almost lost, probably did lose at one point, but got back.
and now he says "i love you" before he goes away from AIM or text. that never used to happen alot.
i have had trips to see NIN that made me happy
i have rum.
i have some money put away, not as much as i would like, but its something when i used to have nothing.
i get to sleep in a taun taun.

more later

back to normal?

well normal rants anyway. tonights subject- adventure

the first 2 weekends in january im spending in PA and MA to see this amazing band called tyr

they are amazing and i love them.
with jason and i back on track it should be a fun adventure. staying the night with hannah in PA and in a hotel in MA, we are gonna explore both areas the next day.

in other adventure news- jason and i did a photo shoot thats now on facebook!

on the subject of good thoughts

well some things are bad, like g funk posting about my tattoo so thus me not getting to go, (i figure ill get it later when all the jason mess blows over, dont wanna add shit to the storm)

but good has come too.
jason apologized fully. he said his stuff, and i gave him a list of stuff that wont happen any more or im walking. it was a good conversation, and he made plans to go out tonight for our 2 year.
we went to quakersteak and lube, that was fun. then we went to dans party which was also fun. i love seeing dans family and his dogs are cute.

i worked 60 hours this past week, but our pay period starts on fridays, so with my work week starting on wed, i ended up working 12 days straight. included in this was black friday working 12am-9am then sleeping a bit then comming in from 430-10. id say im never doing that again but i dont have to because walmart hates giving over time so this was a one time deal i think.

jason sent me a link to a chrones site that said there is research that is proving that antioxidants are helping chrones patients along with stress reduction like yoga. this made me excited this morning because i already pump the green tea and pom juice, and i just got my orientation set up for group.

also- ive been taking vitimin d which has done wonders. its that little boost of happy that has made all the difference in my mood. its like a hug in pill form.


back on the subject of black friday- it was something ive never seen before. toys hurled in the air, people screaming, people trampling other people. they gave us event staff vests. mine is hanging proudly in my room.


christmas should be ok this year. last year jason and i took kyle to the movies to see the spirit. this year we are taking her to see sherlock holms. im excited.




yea thats all i got for now. i guess ill spend tattoo money on christmas presents. thats a good thing.

simply put

i win

blarggggggggggg

so as anyone who has been reading this fucked up train wreck of a relationship, you will be happy to know its on hold for a month.
it came down to break up or try this and its ok.
i figure if it ends, then hell, ive had over a month to remember what being alone is like, and if it goes back to us together, then yay.
until then, im taking this month to do what i want. my tattoo will be done, im gonna fix my room up, go to scranton to drink with hannah, drive to binghamton to see feather, go to group, and such fun things like that. i think it will be good for me.




as hard as it is right now. the crying has gone down though. and thats a plus.

moving on and the art of self deception

im at a pretty shitty point in my life. where at one time i had everything i could ask for in a relationship i now have the facebook branded "its complicated" and im not quite sure what to do. ive tried to fix it but theres only so many circles we can tiptoe around till we eventually hit the break up landmine that neither of us actualy want to step on, but know its coming anyway. so we tell eachother we can work on it. that maybe this nice dinner will magically fix all our issues. if there was such a magic steak that would make us back to how we were i would suffer the chrones attack. but we all know this is not the case.
so i do the next best thing. i hope for the best, i expect the worst. i make a back up plan to focus my time on being sams personal photographer for his band. be the cool rock photographer chick that my brother sees me as. maybe meet someone new but thats not my main goal.
i made a new facebook account so i can abandon the other one which is filled with so much happy me and jason times that it makes me sick to my stomach. if the time comes, im just going to let everyone know to save what pictures i have on there that they want before i delete everything. go to the new one, and add those close to me again. start new.
i still have 2 shows planned for january, so i need a back up person to go with on those adventures.

ive said this before and its proving true, its harder than i thought. ive put everything of me into him. when i see something i think hed enjoy, i pull extra hours, save money and make it happen. its realy frustrating when i dont get the same in return. and honestly, the money is weighing heavy on this. i realize how i could live off $25 a week in regards to food and entertainment. right now i save $50 a week for this. i could put so much money away, just saving on gas alone.

and i HATE that it comes down to money and apathy. that hurts me that i even think that.


i try to stay positive, and i try to make my own happy, but i dont know what to do.

your shit in a bag

i guess things have smoothed out. we have talked more than ever. he has alot to work on, i have some things, but its not nearly as bad as him. its true, we have gotten boring, but we are taking steps to make that better.

monday he was over, i napped on the couch while he went into my room to set up the bed for some snuggles and other activity that no one wants to hear about. i forgot that out of rage i bagged up everything hes given me, anything of his that was here, the framed picture of him, and such and set it on top of his pillow on my dresser. when he pulled me into the room, the pillow was on the bed. he saw his stuff, all together in the bag, so unmistakably his, and i knew he felt it. he knows whats going on, he knows hes on thin ice.

tuesday night we went to see the black dahlia murder, and some other bands. he was sweet, i was no longer just standing with him, i was "his gf katy" as he introduced me to any and all people he knew. when we went to taco bell for food, and mine was spicy so i couldnt eat it, he hugged me and offered to get me something else, said he loved me and said we need to go to bong farts after. kt belly safe food.

so i guess all is good. hes trying, im letting him try, but im also keeping my eyes open, because what happened before, will never happen again.

emotional clusterfuck

this week...ugh, yea this week has been insane. feeling depressed, angry, sad, happy, alone, while having the desire to hide, but making efforts to work on myself at the same time.
jason ignored me for a few days, thursday i IMed him asking if he was going to a movie premire with a friend, because if he was, i was going to avoid it to keep from having issues. he told me to go, and then to text him when done. we ended up driving to wegmans, talking till about 430 about all that has happened.

hes bored with us.

i can not stress how much this hurts.

i understand though. convienience isnt always good, and this is what has happened. when we first started, we had school. school meant if we were lucky, we would be on the same bus, we could walk to class, and POSSIBLY meet up for a few min to hug inbtwn class. one night a week we could possibly spend the night, but sometimes that couldnt happen due to reports and homework. hanging out alone was a difficult task, it involved 2 busses and alot of walking. but for those few hours we were together, it was worth it. we also had disposable income at that point, he had more hours, i didnt have a car to put gas in, or a fancy phone.

the past year, i got a car. we stopped going to school, his hours got changed, things got too easy and because of this, too routine, and boring. i can now drive to see him any time i want, instead of looking up when the next elm hill bus leaves and when the next erie bus leaves down town. theres no specialness to it any more. we get what we want right when we want it. there are advantages to this, but its made things dull and caused issues now. also, while i have more money because of more hours,he feels bad that im paying for everything. its just been rough.

the problem with this whole issue, is that when these things happen, he wont talk about them untill im vomiting blood from anxiety. he treats me like a dog who shit on the carpet, banned from the inside, i can see what hes doing, but he ignores me. thia frustrates, depresses and just makes me worse.

at least this time he did talk and we know whats going on.

now to the bettering myself part.

i signed up for group therapy, its more than therapy, its yoga, meditation, soscial interaction, and most of all, something to occupy my time. it will take up most of the day, by the time im out, he will be in work, so ill only see him for a little bit after work and over night. im thinking this might help us, and if not, well i have something to fall back on when it all blows up. im realy excited about this.


the hard part is how intertwined everything with us is. the hat i keep my head warm with, he got me, toys in my room, books on my shelf, my gps that i use on a weekly basis he got me. my camera, the one posession that makes me happier than anything, he paid for everything so i could buy it because he knew it would make me happy.
people say to get over him and walk away, but its hard. i understand now how people get trapped in unhealthy relationships, but at this point it hurts too much not to try to salvage it. if nothing else, at least i tried.

we are taking a trip soon, a day trip to easthampton MA, to explore and see a comic artist. the idea is maybe a nice long road trip will help us remember why we got together, again, at least its a try.


im trying to stay positive but in the back of my head is the thought that i bore him.



it makes me cry.

just once id like a good day off

once again, jason is creating drama.

for the past week or so hes been correcting every thing i say. i cant stress how annoying this is. ive told him to stop. he forgets. i give up.

sunday was fine. we had dinner at mom and dads, it was all good. fun hang outs with dad after everyone left. when we went to leave we were talking about whos house to stay at. my house has a king size bed, no nagging mom, and no dogs. its just us in my giant bed. everyone has room, its good sleep. i thought we could sleep here. but no, jason forgot his headphones and at risk of hearing him complain all night/day i said fuck it we can stay at your house.
when we got to bed, he let both dogs sleep with us in his doubble bed. freya slept btwn us so not only did i not get snuggles with my bf which is the reason i sleep with him in the first place, but she spread out pushing us off the bed in either direction. the result was not good sleep for either of us.
when we woke up we were goofing around and heres where the shit hit the fan. he tickled me from behind so i flailed and accidently elbowed him in the face. his reaction, knowing it was an accident, was to punch me hard 3 times in the side. not cool.
he spent the rest of the morning talking nicer to the dogs than me. i dropped him off at work and spent 4 hours hanging out by myself. we had time to cool off.

we got to his house after work and we were fine. talking about what to do tonight and such. peg asked me if we were ok because she knew there was issues in the morning, when i told her we were both calmed down, she took that as a cue to start shit with jason. he shut down. ignored me, ignored her, wouldnt talk. so im upset now because all i wanted to do on my day off, all i ever want to do on my day off, is to go hang out with jason, get some food, see a movie and now this is going on. i wait 20 min, tell him i did nothing to him and that if he dosent answer me im leaving. no answer. im upset and i go to leave. i let peg know exactly why im leaving and how it was fine untill she started shit. she yells at me about how fucking stupid i am. this is where i completly lost it. no one should call me stupid. i drove home to skan crying the whole way. i called dad, let him know what was up. i got home and dad almost lost his job when he found out about the hitting part.
jason appologized for the shutting down part. i asked if he was happy that because of him his mom called me stupid and hurt my feelings so bad. he said no. i said we need to talk. he said he needs a week off. i want to talk. i see him posting happy posts on facebook while i sit here angry and he wont talk about what happened.

all through this i dont know how to feel.


at least last night i got to hang out with sam and gerrard. i got some form of happy.

i hate people in central ny, aka , my adventure at the ballet

i can only slap tim so many times for laughing at something i do. this 27 year old guy, who thinks the wwf is real and the outcomes are not planned, who thinks slipknott is the best band on earth, laughs when ever im about to do anything remotly cultured. he said what are you up to today, i respond with the ballet, he laughs, i deck him, management turns the other way.

people here lack the intelegence to accept things that are not sponsered by beer.

durring the first half of the ballet (dracula) the girls sitting behind us decided to like talk about like what was going on and stuff, and like it was totaly lame and how like it was so stupid. they were that type of girl.

at intermission, jasons mom verbaly assaulted them. it was amazing.


totaly worth getting laughed at.

people and why i hate them

i just came back from an awesome vacation in az. i hung out, i ate good food, i went on little adventures with my cousins, i even was nice to a baby (i dont get along with babys)

it was nice.

the travel part pissed me off. part one of my rant is that airlines are as shady as the health care system. my flight on us air from north carolina was late by 2 min. because of this, i had to run across an air port, only to miss the connecting flight for the same airline. as they shut the door and i yelled "wait i have a ticket for this flight" they ignored me. in line to speak to someone about what to do next, i realized more than half my flight from nc was in line with me, all with the same issue. airline said to get a shuttle. we said pay for it. they said fuck off. i stood angry in line as i paid some lady $43 to put me on a bus to tucson, 2 hours away, when i had a plane ticket to tucson in my hand that was no longer valid due to the weather. it was on this bus that i learned they over booked all flights to tucson by 10 seats, so not only were they happy i missed my flight because they didnt have to piss other people off, they didnt have to refund my ticket and made me pay extra to get where they were soposed to take me in the first place.

the flight home was better, except the flight to syracuse was over booked as well. they pleaded with everyone to have 6 people give up their seats. when on the plane, the seat next to me was empty.

in short, fuck airlines.


part 2- people in my life.

there are alot of people im "friends" with. you know the type, your bfs friends who he sees all the time but you see once in a while, say hi to in the mall and are friends on facebook but normaly would not go out of your way to hang out with.
i always thought the rule was to be friendly untill someone upset you? guess not. jasons best friend john is dating caitlin. i always thought she and i got along. i never said anything negative to her, never was rude or mean. always polite and invited her to gatherings. but aparently she no longer likes me. enough to specificly tell john not to invite me to their haloween party. i was so excited when i got the invite and while hanging out with jason i mentioned that i said id go, when he announces "realy? you got invited? funny because caitlin specificly asked john not to invite you" aparently john decided its his party and she has no say. ive only been dating his best friend for 2 yearsish.

it was the night he said this to me that made everything come crashing down. my shit tastic b day, where i went to PA to spend time with family only to be ignored unless i stopped at sonic. where i spent my day in toys r us while jason searched for figures and i was bored. my stupid travel issues, the tom shit. and now someone i havent talked to in a year hates me enough to not want me at a party but wants my bf there? its total shit, but flashed that whole "not wanted" thing into my head so fast i fell down crying while jason listened.
i need help.

mom is looking into state funded counceling things because there is no reason for this stuff to cause a break down like that. especialy after a nice vacation.

hopefully it works

adventure in general

i seem to be the only one in my family (in ny) who have not only a sense of adventure but the desire to act on it. case in point- sonic.

we see the comercials, we crave a cherry lime aid, and we bitch about there not being one close. there is one near us, its in bingers. while my sisters have sat by whining about not going ever, ive gone 2 times with plans for the 3rd on sat.

i just get up and do things.

today i got my hair cut, i just told jess, do what you want, choppy, short i dont care.
i just got done dying it red.

see adventure.

on the subject of stupid boys

jason was over the other day, and after almost 2 weeks of no contact, he was in the mood to be nice.
we went to altos for some burrito amazingness, then went to wegmans where he picked up the bacon chocolate bar for me with out me knowing (btw its yummy) then we came home to watch movies.

i forgot what movie we were watching but i realized how silly jason is when it comes to emotion. he holds it back so much that he dosent know how to express it. you have to look carefull to notice it. while watching the gangster movie that i dont remember what the name of it was, i noticed that anytime the main guy did something with his girl, kissed her, got married and such in the movie, jason would rub my back or neck or hold my hand. he expresses affection when he sees it on tv. its kinda funny, but kinda sweet? iduno just something i noticed.

we went for tea last night with some work friends and once again, his arm around me because wayne was doing it to jess, and scott was being affectionate to kelly.

tea is always amazing. and theres no place quite like roji. where kathleen makes our stuff for us and gives a dash of sarcasm.



i have 10 days till my vacation officialy starts, which means in 13 days ill be in AZ. tomorow is pay day which gives me a sigh of relief as there is nothing else i can do to add to my vacation moneys.

birthday soon, but that just means sonic with jason.

work now.

canada

i need to either
A- stop collecting pez
or
B- stop looking at my fav pez collecting site www.canadacandyconnection.com

they show stuff on there that you can only get in canada, and its fun stuff like the guys from monsters vs aliens, or wall e. stuff i want, but due to the fact that its only in canada...stuff i NEED.

this ends in a desire to go to canada. sometime soon damn it.

this is an update

im hiding out for a while in skan town. so far its been productive.
slept in, watched edward scissor hands, ate thanksgiving dinner with the pack of siblings/nephews/matt/uncle bud and aunt wino. now im watching a new hope.

im relaxing. plotting my next moves in life.

next step is seeing zombieland. im convinced my life will be better once i see this movie.

also i kinda miss jason. ill see him monday, so 7 days and counting? not realy counting down for that.

20 days till my vacation, 23 days till im in AZ, my escape.

as far as things go with the next few weeks, monday the 5th we are having a bbq, just need to get the grill to my house, then on my birthday, im smashing my piggu, exicution style. hes fat with over $400 hopefully. if ive counted right. im sure i have. my trunk is filled with cans, and my jar is stuffed with pennies. i still got one check left. we will have fun.

heading to penn. for my birthday because aparently the only way i can do something for it is by spending it there while people see hannahs show. i however will be searching for fireworks with jason. i also get sonic.

thats about it for now.

im on the devils side for once

jason has this friend. hes a jerk, hes oppinionated, he will do things just to see the reaction, he will bring people together just to break them up. he is the reason jason and i started dating but hes also the reason i flipped shit last halloween. you get the idea.

a few days ago jason posted this silly cover of newsweek. where it states "is your baby a racist?" (insert little giggle here)
jason also has this friend who recently has been spewing nazzi propaganda onto jasons facebook just for joke. we all laugh. its funny because its silly. well tom (see last post) decides that the comments made are childish and stupid. keep in mind, all comments were silly and some were peoples oppinion.
tom lashes out at matt (guy posting nazzi stuff)
matt calls him a jew in german
tom lashes out
matt sais something stupid in german.
tom gets insulting. because matt, jason and john are not agreeing with him. infact no one is. we are all childish morons who know nothing now.

john posts a rant, about toms idea of "if they dont agree with what i say then they are stupid and not my friend" and for the first time in a year, im on his side.


i realize that this is just more ranting, but to be honest, ive kept myself for jumping in on that comment war. i could have told tom what an idiot he is but that would have gotten me no where, im just an ignorant child after all and he unfriended me after 6 years of being my brother.


it just makes my blood boil.



he is no longer my friend, i no longer want him as a friend, i was there when his dad died, but i wont be there any more. and i hope things come crashing down on him. so badly.


im on the devils side this time.

car hates me

jason and i pretty much patched things up. ive realized hes a moron and dosent quite know hes not doing anything right when he does these things that piss me off. this was shown the other day. we took mr porter for a labor day run by himself at jamesville beach, no little dog to piss him off. we had fun, jason was reffering to porter as "our dog". we got baccon flavoed sunflower seeds, it was nice. we were in the car plotting where to eat before the show when he sais "wanna hear something funny" (insert something not funny, but offensive to me about the issue with tom) i was just in shock. i yelled "how the fuck is that funny?"

in short, hes a moron, and needs me to punch him when he does these things because he dosent realize the harm he does.

the night before the show was amazing fun, we went to his cousins wedding (not the fun part) the reception was cool (still not as fun as what happen next) then we drive home. my entire exhaust falls off my car on 690, while still attatched somewhere. (thats the fun part) so we are in nice clothes, on the side of the road on the phone with dad. we decide to drive home, dragging this the whole way making noises that sound like my car is dieing. next day we fixed it with a coat hanger, while waiting for dad to get his guy to take care of it.

dad is amazing fun sometimes lol he changed his cell number but still has it blocked. so i cant call him back because he never told me what the number is.

is it october yet?

I POST BLOGZ!

so yea.....last night was amazing fun. on my mental health day, after what happened with tom and ash, jason decides to chime in. instead of making me feel better for this attack, i get told what i did wrong and that hes on their side.
isnt a bf the person who should always make you feel better? shouldnt he care about you and not tell you anything and everything you do wrong?
before doing anything of status change i sent him a note explaining how i feel, and how he hurt me. also i included that if i dont hear from him by sunday, he wont be hearing from me at all.

it was the typical scenario of total kt head explosion. me sitting in my car in a parking lot, fearing the worst from myself, on the phone with em crying and trying to figure out why everyone seems to hate me. she always knows what to do, and always gets me to think in a different way and thus im always calling her when my entire world explodes infront of me and i dont know why.
she called dad, because i didnt know where to go, my house was not safe, and i could not sleep in my car infront of home depot all night.
i went over to dads house, talked with him over ice cream. we killed a giant fly, and he said he knew what i needed. i need a vacation. i cant afford this i reminded him, because everytime i have money, car, my lovely car (i named it car) decides i need to be stuck on the side of the road. he then told me he has $500 set away for if something came up and this was a good time to use it.


i will be in AZ in october.



the scary part of my head is not my completly irational thoughts. its the fact that while im thinking them, i know it is a bad idea and i know what could happen if i dont get help. its a weird split personality thing. my one side will remember where i have all my pill bottles, and how many it would take to do something stupid, and my other half will tell me CALL EM NOW THIS IS NOT GOOD! i guess its a good thing that i have this, it just scares me when its going on. my bad side thinks of some pretty horrible things and it gets graphic. i always call em and josh though. because they fix everything. even when its just harboring me for a week so i can clear my head in desert air.

it will be good to see alobar and play with tea cake, and poke baby potomus, maybe that will be one of her first words, i will do my best to make it that way.


as soon as i get the flight booked, my count down will start. but for now, im ok.

its raining blogs

i can not stress this enough- people suck.

at work, i got harassed by co workers for something stupid till i walked out.

today, i posted a responce to my "friend" saying her getting her car broken into is why i dont leave anything of value in my car, which is true, i have a shirt and some pants in there, thats it. and aparently that was rude? either way her bf who happens to be my "brother" tom, flips shit on me saying how i bitch all the time and what a cunt i am. he then unfriends me.

i am in the middle of shit storm wtf and i dont see the end to it.

my tires blew, my vacation got canceled, my job is now so stressful and uncomfy that i want to quit, my "friends" hate me and my bf is selfish.


i quit.

apathy, because its easy?

its that time of year when it takes actual concentration to eat. not that i cant eat, i just dont. stress, anxiety, and just general apathy cause me to wake up from my mid day nap only to realize i have yet to eat anything, but if i eat now, ill ruin my dinner with jasons family later tonight. its weird. im weird. you know this.

i went to the fair yesterday, only to find that much like christmas has been for me for the last few years, the fair is no longer what it was. i met up with uncle bud and aunt linda, watched some ducks race, then wandered off by myself to find mom who feeds me, only because i knew i NEEDED to eat at some point in the day, and she feeds me for free. (see i know i need to eat, i just forget to eat)
when she got done with work we went to the center of progress building, where dad had found these little self stable eco systems in plastic cube thingys? they are kinda cool and have 2 little frogs in them. you feed them once a week and all is good. theres a snail in there too i think. anyway, in usual dad fassion, he saw these, thought they were the coolest thing on earth, got one for hannah and mom and now my kitchen needed one so he got me one too. i named them remmy and wade, like gambit and deadpool.

mom took me home and i went to go get jason, for our fair adventure.
we wandered, he ate random food, i played the bowling game and lost $7 on it. then we went home. we were only there for a few hours. we did all we wanted to do, looked at the bunnies (i miss harvey)

just seemed, blah, like no magic like there was before? even last year was the same as all years but i managed to psych myself up about monkey races and wine slushies and hanging out with family, this year no ones there at the same time and there are no shows to see.

i blame stress induced apathy.


YAY HEAD SPLODY!

AJJ

this video is one of my favorite bands ever, listen to the lyrics and try not to smile.

also em and josh- they are from phoenix and they always play near you guys

AJJ

this is video of one of my favorite bands ever. the lyrics of the first song make me happy and the last song is probably one of the most amusing things ive heard, the one in the middle is my walmart theme song. enjoy.

also em and josh- they are from phoenix and they always play near you guys

ad they might be giants stuck in my head all day

i didnt want to go to work today, not that i ever realy do, but today, its been chilly, and that fall air is almost here, and my bed was so comfy, all layered with blankets from aunt wino and mom. its days like these that i find it hard to figure out if my wanting to stay in bed is because of the comfy or because of the down thats headed my way.
(ed loves me because i psycho analyze myself like this before reaching for help)
ive decided its a little of both, and this blog with the title broken thoughts, well, its just what this post is. one big broken thought.

i dont have ambition to go to the fair. its litteraly just down the street. last year i had the same money issues, rent and everything was more, but i got to the fair, this year its jasons money issues which have more and more latly gotten his mom to rant on me for it. i have done what i have tried so hard not to do, and mentaly taken up jasons issues as a burden on me. he cant afford it, so i cant.

(inner monologue kicks me in the head and i remember dur im bi polar)

I work, I have enough to cover my bills, rent and have a luxery phone.
I bust my ass 32-40 hours a week picking up extra days so i can play, so i shouldnt feel guilty about spending money on fried dough and wine slushies.


but i do.

because even when MY bills are paid for, his are not, and thus, im not allowed to have fun. my island of happy vacation thoughts in the middle of the sea of walmart customers has been ruined by tropical storm peg, a direct off shoot of hurricane jason. this does not please me, and actualy makes things with us worse, he just dosent know it yet. but i brave the storm, and save my money away, hoping one day soon ill be on a plane headed some place warm and happy.

only something bad happens and im on the side of the road, cell phone in hand, crying to mom, because i just paid her off for my ticket, and my tire, and ANOTHER tire has blown up. $100 now is owed, and soon $200 more as we continue to change tires on my amazing car. my bonus we were getting? i was hoping to buy myself something fun with? now goes to tires.


times like these, i ask, why get out of bed?

realizations through sam

talking to sam again more often now, has recently brought some tough realizations.

i am not happy. if you were good for me, i would not be crying.

i give up so much for you, pay so much money, only to be treated this way? sam sees it and he tells me how it looks from his view point while we were at roji. im expected to cover the movie when its a strain for you to cover my tea? its a strain on you to think of anyone but yourself.

next fall if all goes right i will be heading to AZ to try school again, i am giving myself one semester to try, if it works, ill stay, but at least i can try, a change in scenery, away from all the people and distractions here, away from having to work full time while going to school, what it means for us? i dont think its anything good, but im no longer concerned about you, im focused on me.


for once in my life, im concerned about me.

if ever there was a time to throw up blood, this movie was it

g funk and i went to see inglorious bastards last night at midnight, AMAZING! so violent and funny that it seemed fitting for me to get a chrones attack while laughing, it hurt to laugh, then the nausea, then i ran, then i threw up blood, then i ran back to the theater, i missed like 10 min so i have an excuse to spend $10 more and see it again.

yay chronws!

from tv to the radio

so we moved, its all done, just waiting on a few deposits that i didnt know we got from various services. yay.

the house is nice, ray found me a king size bed which is almost new, came from a hotel converting smoking rooms to non, so a bottle of bleach and a bottle of febreeze and it was all good. my room is cozy, i like it, small enough with enough room, its me.
we have a nice kitchen, and enough kitchen stuff to make and serve a 6 course meal for 100.

now at the old place, the little kids in the back, when they would fight, nick and i called it the tv, here we have the radio.

the fuck tards upstairs bring these "thug" wanna bes over and its just funny, everything is "nigga this" "in da hood" that and they are being completly serious, oh and they are all under 18 so its even better.
the first week we were here while i was at darien lake they started a fight with about 20 kids and baseball bats, yea dad got the report and i laughed.

if they were litterate, they could write a book on getting evicted, because thats what they are up for.

all day and night its shit hip hop rap turned so loud we can hear it perfect in the house, and before we even leave our cars we can hear it, so nick and i have been blasting tyr and other random metal.

did i mention this house is pet free (dogs and cats) but they have 2 lab puppies? yea. fun when they bark, at least they are cute.

yay shit!

FML

so latly everyone ive been in contact with has decided to snap at me or yell at me. this includes the doctor, customers, and jasons mom. im sick of this and its been making me upset.

on top of all that, we need to have rent by friday to move in, nick and i had no problem with this, however louis did. it came to me having to cover his half of rent and when i explained by doing this i would not get to go to ren fest, he explained how he had everything budgeted out so he could go to ren fest.....and thought it was ok that i wasnt going to get to go because of him. thankfully dad has a checkbook and knows how often i take weekends off, so he helped me out.

in other news, im looking for a new room mate.

more issues

things have not been so good. my stress level is higher than it has been, despite me taking down time every monday to enjoy a sandwich at strong hearts alone.

ive been throwing up blood again, i had a CT scan last week, ill find out the results next friday. if they cant find anything, im done with doctors.

i keep sleeping more than usual. last weekend i didnt sleep at all, thanks to jason. but now i dont want to do anything but sleep. probably the depression sinking in.

i saw the house, i cant remember if i mentioned it last post, but it is bigger, and looks alot better than this house. this place feels fake. pseudo hotel room white walls, tan carpet, tiny kitchen. im looking forward to open space flat, hardwood floors and full kitchen. also, my house is green.

comming up on a year and 8 months with jason, going to the ren fest, i dont know if hes aware that its that day we are going, but it just happened to work out that way.


and now to you- why are you following me when we had a nice fall out, and when i tried to offer help to you for winter, you shut me out? im just curious.

moving...again

so nick louis and i are moving to solvay. nick and i looked at the house wich is owned and rented by moms friend, who happens to be one of jasons highschool teachers. its kinda silly. NO PETS ALLOWED....except ikis and harvey, because he likes us.
we have a full kitchen, where we can keep the table jasons mom gave me, not outside of it in the living room, actualy in the kitchen. all the rooms are good sized and the living room is about the same size.

its about $75 cheaper and on solvay electric so it will save us alot.


now if only people would start packing instead of it being me who is doing everything. including cleaning.

bastards

so the little kids outside who like to keep me from napping, one of the many reasons we are moving, started a fight outside. management finaly did something and told their moms.

from one of the windows i heard a mom yell to a kid "you know better than to fight my kid, you know damn well he can kick your ass"




i hate these kind of people.

this is the first day of my last days....

GAH! last 2 NIN shows ever.

kinda weird. kinda amazing. kinda sad.

i drove to buffalo monday to see ed, ended up out to dinner with him and carrie (who i havent seen in years so YAY) then stayed there over night so we could head into canada the next day. got to the venue early because last time i was there, you could go to the amusement park, it was closed. oh well.

NIN put on the best set list ive ever heard. it was amazing.

drove home the next day, got there just in time for jade and jason to come over so we could go to mansfield for the last show.

jason and my seats were amazing, but wow, sad. its realy weird to hear someone who wrote the song that you used to hurt yourself to, talk about writing a song when he went into seclusion trying to kill himself. it made it feel like theres an actual connection there.

i bawled durring hurt. yep, it was my last time hearing it live, and i was happy to have a jason hand to hold durring it.

after NIN we met up with jeremy and jade who had lawn seats, and so my last show ended the way my first one started. jeremy and i talking NIN so fast you could not keep up, and me with a bf who only was there because i asked him to be.

adventures in NYC

jason and my NYC trip to see opeth turned out interesting, yet fun.
when we first got there we hit up FAO, toys r us and the disney store with in the first hour. we wandered around time square till it was check in time at our hotel. the hotel its self, was tiny. like bad tiny. but it was ok because the bed fit both of us so all was well. opeth was amazing. i want to see them again, i punched a girl because of a nice conflict with her insisting on smoking pot infront of jason when he is alergic after we asked nicely.

went to the ripley museum of odd and that was cool, also raised hell in the church of scientology.


that was my vacation, NIN in less than a week!

adventures in drinking

jason and i took my ex bf mike out for his 21st last night. oh how interesting that was. i bought him a beer, then jason got him a long island iced tea, thats where it went down hill. our 3rd bar mike was having to concentrate on walking.

after we dropped mike off, while i was trying to convince jason that i was not drunk, jason tucked me into bed and then proceded to laugh at me. it was a fun night.

count down

12 days till opeth. im excited. jason got us a nice hotel and so we are making it a mini vacation. spending the whole next day in NYC should be fun, meeting up with his cousins and such. jason and i in FAO toys should be fun but dangerous, we may come home with too much lol.

thats about all i have to post, chrones still killing me, still working at walmart. nothing changes.

concret season

its that lovely time of year again, the time where food becomes an option and bringing back cans is a must. its concert season!

i just got home last night from seeing Tyr with jason and nick, in april i have sonic boom six (best ska punk band from england)
in may im taking jason to see opeth, his fav band

and now my fav.... the NIN tour

im 16 rows from trent reznor in MA, and i got good seats for toronto. taking ed to toronto with me and jason to MA, its their last tour ever so i didnt think anything about dropping $75 per ticket. im fucked up, i know.
BUT the tour name kicks ass, its with Janes Addiction so its the NINJA tour also on tour is tom morello from rage against the machine.


HYPED!

ignore the crunching sound

oh blog. i ignore you too often. lots keeps happening and all i do is sleep.

i seem to have lost tom but this time im not going to call up dad to search his files of dead people. im just going to wait till this girl breaks him and then come to the rescue.

im now working 40 hours a week. 40! my sheet sais i cant work more than 32! im gonna go crazy and if jason complains about being tired when he works 3 days a week im gonna smack him.

i got a new camera. i have given the olympus to mom and dad because the camera i got is a nikon d40. (cameragasm!) 3 frames per second... 6 mega pixles....in camera editing...fuck yea! only cost me an entire pay check but it was well worth it.

i cant get over my desire to hide. its not like things are going bad, they are going well actualy but i just dont want to see people, and i dont even realy want to see jason. i think im going stir crazy in my life. [god damn it itunes, July by katatonia never pops up on my ipod when driving but its come up 2 times in an hour] i may try out a 2 week hide out, just me and my camera, but its too cold out to do it yet, and hes warm, and thus winter= snuggly bed.

project time! jason gave me one of his guitar strings he used and i FINALY found the perfect use for my snowflake obsidian stone i had, necklace time! ive had this thing for about 6 years now, and have yet to find the perfect thing to use it in, now i have.

will post more pictures soon, thanks to the nikon.

surviving down

ive survived, and so has my relationship. actualy i think its now better than it used to be. stronger at least.

i chopped my hair off, and its realy short. i may get a tattoo soon, hopefully monday.


this is just to prove im alive still