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so yea.....last night was amazing fun. on my mental health day, after what happened with tom and ash, jason decides to chime in. instead of making me feel better for this attack, i get told what i did wrong and that hes on their side.
isnt a bf the person who should always make you feel better? shouldnt he care about you and not tell you anything and everything you do wrong?
before doing anything of status change i sent him a note explaining how i feel, and how he hurt me. also i included that if i dont hear from him by sunday, he wont be hearing from me at all.

it was the typical scenario of total kt head explosion. me sitting in my car in a parking lot, fearing the worst from myself, on the phone with em crying and trying to figure out why everyone seems to hate me. she always knows what to do, and always gets me to think in a different way and thus im always calling her when my entire world explodes infront of me and i dont know why.
she called dad, because i didnt know where to go, my house was not safe, and i could not sleep in my car infront of home depot all night.
i went over to dads house, talked with him over ice cream. we killed a giant fly, and he said he knew what i needed. i need a vacation. i cant afford this i reminded him, because everytime i have money, car, my lovely car (i named it car) decides i need to be stuck on the side of the road. he then told me he has $500 set away for if something came up and this was a good time to use it.


i will be in AZ in october.



the scary part of my head is not my completly irational thoughts. its the fact that while im thinking them, i know it is a bad idea and i know what could happen if i dont get help. its a weird split personality thing. my one side will remember where i have all my pill bottles, and how many it would take to do something stupid, and my other half will tell me CALL EM NOW THIS IS NOT GOOD! i guess its a good thing that i have this, it just scares me when its going on. my bad side thinks of some pretty horrible things and it gets graphic. i always call em and josh though. because they fix everything. even when its just harboring me for a week so i can clear my head in desert air.

it will be good to see alobar and play with tea cake, and poke baby potomus, maybe that will be one of her first words, i will do my best to make it that way.


as soon as i get the flight booked, my count down will start. but for now, im ok.