moving on and the art of self deception

im at a pretty shitty point in my life. where at one time i had everything i could ask for in a relationship i now have the facebook branded "its complicated" and im not quite sure what to do. ive tried to fix it but theres only so many circles we can tiptoe around till we eventually hit the break up landmine that neither of us actualy want to step on, but know its coming anyway. so we tell eachother we can work on it. that maybe this nice dinner will magically fix all our issues. if there was such a magic steak that would make us back to how we were i would suffer the chrones attack. but we all know this is not the case.
so i do the next best thing. i hope for the best, i expect the worst. i make a back up plan to focus my time on being sams personal photographer for his band. be the cool rock photographer chick that my brother sees me as. maybe meet someone new but thats not my main goal.
i made a new facebook account so i can abandon the other one which is filled with so much happy me and jason times that it makes me sick to my stomach. if the time comes, im just going to let everyone know to save what pictures i have on there that they want before i delete everything. go to the new one, and add those close to me again. start new.
i still have 2 shows planned for january, so i need a back up person to go with on those adventures.

ive said this before and its proving true, its harder than i thought. ive put everything of me into him. when i see something i think hed enjoy, i pull extra hours, save money and make it happen. its realy frustrating when i dont get the same in return. and honestly, the money is weighing heavy on this. i realize how i could live off $25 a week in regards to food and entertainment. right now i save $50 a week for this. i could put so much money away, just saving on gas alone.

and i HATE that it comes down to money and apathy. that hurts me that i even think that.


i try to stay positive, and i try to make my own happy, but i dont know what to do.