emotional clusterfuck

this week...ugh, yea this week has been insane. feeling depressed, angry, sad, happy, alone, while having the desire to hide, but making efforts to work on myself at the same time.
jason ignored me for a few days, thursday i IMed him asking if he was going to a movie premire with a friend, because if he was, i was going to avoid it to keep from having issues. he told me to go, and then to text him when done. we ended up driving to wegmans, talking till about 430 about all that has happened.

hes bored with us.

i can not stress how much this hurts.

i understand though. convienience isnt always good, and this is what has happened. when we first started, we had school. school meant if we were lucky, we would be on the same bus, we could walk to class, and POSSIBLY meet up for a few min to hug inbtwn class. one night a week we could possibly spend the night, but sometimes that couldnt happen due to reports and homework. hanging out alone was a difficult task, it involved 2 busses and alot of walking. but for those few hours we were together, it was worth it. we also had disposable income at that point, he had more hours, i didnt have a car to put gas in, or a fancy phone.

the past year, i got a car. we stopped going to school, his hours got changed, things got too easy and because of this, too routine, and boring. i can now drive to see him any time i want, instead of looking up when the next elm hill bus leaves and when the next erie bus leaves down town. theres no specialness to it any more. we get what we want right when we want it. there are advantages to this, but its made things dull and caused issues now. also, while i have more money because of more hours,he feels bad that im paying for everything. its just been rough.

the problem with this whole issue, is that when these things happen, he wont talk about them untill im vomiting blood from anxiety. he treats me like a dog who shit on the carpet, banned from the inside, i can see what hes doing, but he ignores me. thia frustrates, depresses and just makes me worse.

at least this time he did talk and we know whats going on.

now to the bettering myself part.

i signed up for group therapy, its more than therapy, its yoga, meditation, soscial interaction, and most of all, something to occupy my time. it will take up most of the day, by the time im out, he will be in work, so ill only see him for a little bit after work and over night. im thinking this might help us, and if not, well i have something to fall back on when it all blows up. im realy excited about this.


the hard part is how intertwined everything with us is. the hat i keep my head warm with, he got me, toys in my room, books on my shelf, my gps that i use on a weekly basis he got me. my camera, the one posession that makes me happier than anything, he paid for everything so i could buy it because he knew it would make me happy.
people say to get over him and walk away, but its hard. i understand now how people get trapped in unhealthy relationships, but at this point it hurts too much not to try to salvage it. if nothing else, at least i tried.

we are taking a trip soon, a day trip to easthampton MA, to explore and see a comic artist. the idea is maybe a nice long road trip will help us remember why we got together, again, at least its a try.


im trying to stay positive but in the back of my head is the thought that i bore him.



it makes me cry.