its almost over

i woke up to my buddy/old shift supervisor from kinneys demanding that i come over to the store today before 3. this is a good thing because i have a photo project that i wanted to make and dont trust the people at walmart to not fuck it up. ill also probably get to just get on the machines and make it myself.

its christmas eve, the only part i realy enjoy, the only thing that still has some of the magic left.
we go to uncle tims and its botsfords and booze and it all seems to work out. its more fun than actual christmas which is usualy just mom, dad, hannah and me till my older sibblings come over for dessert. oh and both cats running and jumping in all the gift wrap.

i have yet to get my dads present, ill get it today when im at walmart. made cookies for jason and am picking him up something today as well because im a nice gf.

the highlight of christmas day is when i go get jason and its gonna take me a few hours because we are seeing spirit. fuck yea, frank miller.


off to get my shit together for this not so fun time of the year, but at least its over.

i believe in harvey dent

we got a bunny

he had a cist on his jaw which when removed made him look like a zombie




his name is harvey dent, and is the cutest thing this house of rejects has seen.

this is worse than "soon" mr reznor

.... after 2009 no more tour?








we got a sad kt right now....

this is why we cant have nice things

with this whole economy down the shitter thing, ive discovered that banks have become worse.

stupid hotel - didnt take the $50 deposit out of my room rate, over drafted my account, and in turn made me over draft for a dvd at sound garden.

somewhere in the mix of this and not letting me know for 10 days, i end up with $200 in fees

so my days off which should be spent with jason, in bed watching movies and snuggling happy have been spent yelling at banks, checking back with mom for the reccord, and calling the hotel.

instead of paying the fees, the hotel tried to get the bank to reverse them, they wouldnt.
bank calls me, sais i need to pay
called hotel- they try again, call me and say they will pay

tomorow when i call the bank, it all better be straightened out. the bank better have recieved the money into my account. in which case, im closing that account.



im gonna save money the conspiracy theorist way, in my mattress.




on top of all this, ive been hearing insurance quotes, and other such things i need to get figured out so i can drive. i have the license, i have the car, i just need the papers.







if my head does not explode tomorow, ill consider it a good nap day.

crazy things happen

i got a car. a 2000 altima, it was mikes brothers.



NO MORE BUS!

ben barnett owns a chunk of my sanity

kind of like spitting always causes me to want to write. i dont know why. its weird, but oh well, ive neglected this thing long enough that a doubble post seems like its ok. i still miss morning tea/coco with you btw. you own a chunk of my sanity as well.

i cant wrap my head around the fact that its been a year. something i didnt think would happen, happens then i didnt think it would last more than a few months. in my head he was destined to be one of the great let downs of my life and probably the last straw in what was the worst few years of my mental health.

but it didnt happen....
hes still here....
every week i wake up with him next to me.

for the first time in many years, i can say at this moment in NY im happy.



NIN felt werid with ed, maybe because mike wasnt there. i need to put that picture on my wall i think. the one of me mike and jeremy before NIN in saratoga. the rare picture of me actualy happy.

blogging for the sake of blogs

i remembered i never actualy bloged about the NIN show. guess thats the way my head has been.

ed and i drove 6 hours to a place right outside of boston, to stay with jeremy. i forgot how much i missed him. i had warned ed about how insane NIN shows are and how crazy jeremy and i are when it comes to seeing them, i dont think he fully realized till after the show how bad it is.
our seats were high enough that we needed oxygen masks but it was all good. this tour is one where its actualy better to have shit seats than to be in the pit. such amazing visuals.
peter murphy came out and sang reptile. amazing. ghosts version of piggy- even better. trent going from the frail straight into closer instead of going in to the wretched, then wish like usual.

tomorow jason and i are going out to dinner to celebrate one year of being together. kinda dosent seem like a year.

my guts, they hate me

so ups and downs, and infected guts

down- kristas brother sold our alice tickets on us, fucking pissed.

i got blood drawn and they shut down a vein in my arm

ups- i passed my road test




huzzah

oh man

the past month has been insane. btwn concert issues (mess with my NIN and i flip shit) and birthdays that end in emergancy rooms, lots has happened and will happen.

i bailed on cake due to the guy not getting back to me in time.

my birthday was fun. i drank. i drank alot. and then, i threw up some blood. i texted jason who bitched at me to call mom, ended up in the ER the morning after my party. when i left the ER my room mate louis was going in, which made mom question my party.

tom bailed on NIN. i freaked out, i got angry. then ed came to my rescue. hes coming with me now and its gonna be a good adventure.

i have alice cooper tickets for october 28th with a girl from work. should be lots of fun.

paint ball on the 26th followed by sonic boom six show, im gonna be an abused fairy thanks to the welts ill get from paint ball



btw- i have ulcers in my stomach which were iritated by my anxiety and steroids im on for my intestines. mix that with the rum i was drinking and i throw up a ton of blood.
also today i woke up to jason telling me i have a fever. i have a sinus issue which made me feel like shit all day.


there, updated

i should probably update

so since the last post i have tried and failed my road test 2 times. been stuck in migrain hell for about 2 weeks and gotten drunk a few times.

upcoming shows-
MSI on sunday
NIN in november

meet ikis

hes a month old and tiny

lizard king

sparky died the other day.

frustrated

i realy wish i knew what i wanted from life. this drifting thing is no fun. everyone is starting school and i feel like i should be too. maybe i should have kept that geo course, and found SOME way to pay for it. then i wouldnt feel like im wasting space and time. im gonna try to save so i can go next semester. people have been telling me not to worry too much because what college realy ends up teaching you is how to survive in the real world on your own and ive managed to do that on my own.
i got used to summer. the constant schedule of mon, tues, wed off and one of those nights always being jason time. always a sleep over. always the comfort of cuddles and good long talks and barrier breaking. it was good and ill miss the frequency of it. ill get used to it like i did last time.

i managed to hit the fair 5 days in a row. despite a hostage like situation due to people pissing me off and me shutting down completly emotionaly, it was fun. i got the pick from mr needles, and tommys drum stick as well as joan jetts set list.

what scared me was my lack of ambition to get anything signed when tommy and the bassist came out to sign stuff. this is how i know my head is broken again.



i spent the night/day vomiting. so much so that i called in. i hate calling in. but my head hurt too much.

something to look forward to

november 9th i will be in MA visiting jeremy and seeing NIN. finaly something happy.

you said you'd meet me

same band, different year, same situation. i love being ditched.

fuck

why no one thinks telling me about someone who was like a 2nd mom to me dieing is a good idea i dont know.



sometimes i wonder about my family.

echoplex wtf

i managed to escape my summer down with out going to AZ, however it was less fun. i pretty much stayed inside listening to smashing pumpkins and didnt make any plans to hang out with people other than jason. did make an attempt to go to dans going away party but didnt stay long. but i had to go, i love dan, im gonna miss the crap out of him. as much as occ sucked those 3 years i tried not to fail at, the people i spent time with, and actualy let into my little circle were the best people ive known. (not those people i just talk to for the sake of not being bored)

so now what am i doing? i have a day off, i should listen to that new NIN album that i was in a rush to buy, but no, i cant. after hearing some of the songs, i refuse to put it on my itunes. you cant make me, i dont wanna. trent needs to just go back to hiding for 5 years and doing massive ammounts of drugs. maybe then he will make an album that dosent sound like he just played with his comp and let aaron north write lyrics. also- get jeordie white back as a bassist. he was at least fun to look at, not this guy whos in the live line up now.

and yes, i plan on getting NIN tickets for november with this pay check.




as i end this i just wanna say GO MALL DIVE TEAM! yet another amazing event at the mall.

trying to get up

ive spent the past week in "down" where i dont want to see people, or do anything, i cry alot, i get angry and depressed easy.

ive managed to figure out what caused it but im not gonna post it here. some people know. others i dont want to know.

after a late night visit from ed, i think im starting to get out of this.
hitting up walmart soon to buy stuff with my gift card i got for setting up internet so with the food and other stuff we need here, im gonna get myself something cool.



thats about all i got. joan jett sat. huzzah

home?

we now have internet.

expect more from me soon. right now, im sleepy so im gonna go back to sleep.

and so it begins

new apartment stuff is mostly done. thanks to mom, aunt linda and jasons mom we have a kitchen and living room. its quite nice.

long time no blog i know, but we will have net tomorow, so far ive just been using mom and dads on sundays.

i slipped into a manic mode for about a week. i didnt sleep or eat. but it came at a good time. i managed to move my entire room bymyself.

just dreading the down, my heads eating itself a bit latly. but ill survive.



ive finaly gotten to the point where i feel odd sleeping here and more comfy at the apartment. i think i found home.


my guts still bleed, but they hurt less, so theres a tradeoff i guess. i think its stress.



did my 5 hr so now i get to set up my road test =)

dark knight

so in kt terms, batman was the movie equivalent of seeing NIN for me. i found out about it when jason and i first got together now 7.5 months later, we got to see it. i came out shaking. we took up a good chunk of a row in the theater and a few of the people were dressed up.

im seeing this again monday with mike if anyone wants to join.

ouch

i hurt. my legs and ass really. i went over to his house today and after snuggles and other such things we rode bikes down to cloud city comics and guitar center. was really fun. i love watching him play guitar. its odd i know, but i do. hes so happy there.
then when we got back, he fell asleep, and i sat there, bored for a few hours till i decided to go home. i punched him and told him i was going down town and he could either come with me and get dinner or he could just sleep. i won.
we ended up at strong hearts which is a vegan cafe which is amazing. i need to go there again.


all in all, a good day.



dark knight thursday! yay!

random picture post

mr sparky and jason. the two guys who make me laugh and smile the most.







we cleaned sparks tank out today, that was an adventure. it was too hot to do just about anything else.

this new diets liquid (oh yes i totaly quoted dashboard confessional)

today was fun, in the not so fun way preparing for a colonoscopy is.

i keep listening to "people as places as people" by modest mouse. it makes me think of all last year. the end of the semester i kinda freaked because so many people are not going back to occ, when in reality, neither am i. i cant afford it, realy i cant afford to pay for Fs.

tomorow is the ass cam, ive never been knocked out before, should be interesting.



thats about all i have to say.

oh jimmy

msi now holds the title of 2nd most exhausting band to see live (the first being NIN dur)
i didnt even bounce around much, just watching jimmy urine will make you tired.
steve righ? jumped off the stage and played right infront of us, and it was cool.

jason did a good job of not killing us on the way home while driving toms car.


things got fixed, and i got snuggles, and he was nice, and blah blah blah




on the intestinal track- i get sunday off, why? because im gonna spend it preparing for my ass cam which is monday. people be prepared for my texts while cleaning myself out

glue

im fixing it with drinking..... seems to be the thing to do tonight

im sorry bryant. you are too good for that

change

all week, i work 32 hours, go to doctors, freak out at driving lessons



all i ask, all i look forward to



is one hug, and one kiss









fucking ass hole.

stress

so far the doctors think thats whats killing my guts.

ive slipped into passive agression. im not happy about it. but what i want to do is hide, and that comes out as passive agression, when i dont mean it to happen.

[more stress]










im sorry

people as places as people

im not in a good place right now.
sunday was my last skan girl squad evening at blue water. its sad. im not used to this. i skated home crying so hard i threw up. maybe it had something to do with my intestines thing.

i hate this. i cannot stress this enough. my body feels like shit so much that its killed my one night with jason. it hurts, and im scared, and im sad and i end up being no fun. im sick of this.


i want an end to this and a lobotomy.


mr spadaro?

in these new clothes i feel naked

when did i decide to let down some of my walls? and why now?
i bought a school girl costume. something i normaly hate.
i dyed my hair red. and in the process i killed the lucky charms watch.
my identity is gone. i feel naked.

modest mouse made my soul happy, if only for a few hours. but i couldnt help but cry when they played little motel. it was my last big thing with a chick who proved to be the best chick friend ive ever had. and shes going away.(story of my life)

i once was happy. i once had him there. when shit hit the fan i ran to him, and in this past month hes been nothing but the scum i ran from in the first place. thanks ed. i never thought this from you.


[i broke apart my insides]
my intestines thing is still realy bad. aparently if it was the birth control it would have stopped by now, but the bleeding still is bad, the cramps suck and im an emo wreck.[help me]
i have doctors visits planed and an excuse to leave work early.

on freak outs and pandas

no meds. NO MEDS! bad thing!

i freaked out last night over something stupid. whiped a roll of TP at jason which almost hit him (he was impressed by how hard i can throw) then ended up crying in his arms. i hate freak outs. i avoid them, or at least hide them. i try so hard to make sure few people see me cry, more importantly him. maybe it was a good thing he saw it.



we watched everything is illuminated, a wicked good movie garrett left at my house.







then we got dinner and saw kung fu panda with garrett and tony.









it was nice ^_^

pharmacy treat bags

i now realize how so many drug addicts get away with scaming doctors. ITS FUCKING EASY!

i went to my doctors today for my cramps issues and also because ive been having alergy attacks that i never had in skan. because aparently camillus is a whole new climate or something. when i got there i found out that i may have this super rare thing with my intestines due to my birth control and any of the other 20 pills i take regularly. then when i said i was up all night thanks to my alergies, she asked if i wanted some codene to make me sleep. well duh. ive never turned down pain killers. ever. even if i dont take them, i keep them, i have a night mare before xmas lunch box that i call my happy box because its filled with any kind of pain killer i can aquire.

she also loaded me up on anti biotics and random amphetimines to kill what is either alergies or a sinus infection.

aparently im bleeding in my intestines. there was a nice anal exam to find that one out. i dont recomend them. not fun.


mom sent me home with 2 of my dads room fans. sucks to be him, kicks ass to be me in my underoos with a fan infront and one in back. im nice and cool. and medicated. woot!

plotting

im planing my escape from hell.


more info in july

sympathy for cobain

[ the sun shines in the bedroom when we play ]
monday sleep overs are the highlight and shortest part of my week. something about waking up next to him makes me happy then the random conversations we can only have laying around bond us. its the fastest 2 days of the week but it leaves me feeling recharged. oh and we played with puppies today.

[beat me out of me]
my stomach hurts. tonight was cut short by cramps ripping through my guts like a barbed wire covered hook. i keep getting them any time im not bleeding. gross i know. but hey this is my new place to vent, and as if you know anything about kurt cobain, you get how both these paragraphs relate to the title of this blog. if you dont, then go read heavier than heaven.



[the raining always starts when you go away]
my bed is more comfy with him in it, even when hes snoring.

just another party

jewbaccas party- yea that was interesting to say the least.

picture (as i know you will in great detail) feather tanked, me plastered as usual, making out all over the house, with only brief breaks to talk to the fish. we knocked over things and people in our manic make out sessions that ended in the bathroom where i kissed her while she was on the toilet and she asked if it was considered water sports.

we were all drunk, and ripped in honor of phil who by the end of the night went to bed with kelsey in his bed with him, i dont ask any more questions as i am afraid of the answers.

pictures are up on face book. i seem to be good at that.


i woke up with dan on my floor and a used condom by the door, i dont know whos it was and i am afraid to do the dna tests to find out.







this is how we roll.

list of events in the near future that im sorta looking forward to-

june 16th-Modest mouse- hitting up rochester with halie to see this band, CAN NOT WAIT!

july 17th- batman- not only are we going to the midnight showing, we are all going in costume, and having a costume party before hand and after. im hyped. im going as oracle, and jason is being nightwing. should be fun. the more i research oracle, the more i like her.

***this means my hair will be red soon!***

some time in july i have warped tour with brendan, and then joan jett in august.


now if only NIN would tour again, i would be happy. i took down the shrine today due to them replacing the windows in the apartment.




oh and on the subject of the apartment- im taking over the lease, with nick. bryant and sean are moving in and it should be fun. im gonna miss feather, quinn, tamara and yes, even jewbacca. but it will be good to stay here. and my anxiety should calm down soon because of this.



off to the joys of walmart

i blame you

so why another blog?

people thats why.


i have a LJ for emos, a myspace for family and an obscure mydiary that i forget exists.


this is for my adventures. new living situation, new venue for thoughts.