on the subject of stupid boys

jason was over the other day, and after almost 2 weeks of no contact, he was in the mood to be nice.
we went to altos for some burrito amazingness, then went to wegmans where he picked up the bacon chocolate bar for me with out me knowing (btw its yummy) then we came home to watch movies.

i forgot what movie we were watching but i realized how silly jason is when it comes to emotion. he holds it back so much that he dosent know how to express it. you have to look carefull to notice it. while watching the gangster movie that i dont remember what the name of it was, i noticed that anytime the main guy did something with his girl, kissed her, got married and such in the movie, jason would rub my back or neck or hold my hand. he expresses affection when he sees it on tv. its kinda funny, but kinda sweet? iduno just something i noticed.

we went for tea last night with some work friends and once again, his arm around me because wayne was doing it to jess, and scott was being affectionate to kelly.

tea is always amazing. and theres no place quite like roji. where kathleen makes our stuff for us and gives a dash of sarcasm.



i have 10 days till my vacation officialy starts, which means in 13 days ill be in AZ. tomorow is pay day which gives me a sigh of relief as there is nothing else i can do to add to my vacation moneys.

birthday soon, but that just means sonic with jason.

work now.

canada

i need to either
A- stop collecting pez
or
B- stop looking at my fav pez collecting site www.canadacandyconnection.com

they show stuff on there that you can only get in canada, and its fun stuff like the guys from monsters vs aliens, or wall e. stuff i want, but due to the fact that its only in canada...stuff i NEED.

this ends in a desire to go to canada. sometime soon damn it.

this is an update

im hiding out for a while in skan town. so far its been productive.
slept in, watched edward scissor hands, ate thanksgiving dinner with the pack of siblings/nephews/matt/uncle bud and aunt wino. now im watching a new hope.

im relaxing. plotting my next moves in life.

next step is seeing zombieland. im convinced my life will be better once i see this movie.

also i kinda miss jason. ill see him monday, so 7 days and counting? not realy counting down for that.

20 days till my vacation, 23 days till im in AZ, my escape.

as far as things go with the next few weeks, monday the 5th we are having a bbq, just need to get the grill to my house, then on my birthday, im smashing my piggu, exicution style. hes fat with over $400 hopefully. if ive counted right. im sure i have. my trunk is filled with cans, and my jar is stuffed with pennies. i still got one check left. we will have fun.

heading to penn. for my birthday because aparently the only way i can do something for it is by spending it there while people see hannahs show. i however will be searching for fireworks with jason. i also get sonic.

thats about it for now.

im on the devils side for once

jason has this friend. hes a jerk, hes oppinionated, he will do things just to see the reaction, he will bring people together just to break them up. he is the reason jason and i started dating but hes also the reason i flipped shit last halloween. you get the idea.

a few days ago jason posted this silly cover of newsweek. where it states "is your baby a racist?" (insert little giggle here)
jason also has this friend who recently has been spewing nazzi propaganda onto jasons facebook just for joke. we all laugh. its funny because its silly. well tom (see last post) decides that the comments made are childish and stupid. keep in mind, all comments were silly and some were peoples oppinion.
tom lashes out at matt (guy posting nazzi stuff)
matt calls him a jew in german
tom lashes out
matt sais something stupid in german.
tom gets insulting. because matt, jason and john are not agreeing with him. infact no one is. we are all childish morons who know nothing now.

john posts a rant, about toms idea of "if they dont agree with what i say then they are stupid and not my friend" and for the first time in a year, im on his side.


i realize that this is just more ranting, but to be honest, ive kept myself for jumping in on that comment war. i could have told tom what an idiot he is but that would have gotten me no where, im just an ignorant child after all and he unfriended me after 6 years of being my brother.


it just makes my blood boil.



he is no longer my friend, i no longer want him as a friend, i was there when his dad died, but i wont be there any more. and i hope things come crashing down on him. so badly.


im on the devils side this time.

car hates me

jason and i pretty much patched things up. ive realized hes a moron and dosent quite know hes not doing anything right when he does these things that piss me off. this was shown the other day. we took mr porter for a labor day run by himself at jamesville beach, no little dog to piss him off. we had fun, jason was reffering to porter as "our dog". we got baccon flavoed sunflower seeds, it was nice. we were in the car plotting where to eat before the show when he sais "wanna hear something funny" (insert something not funny, but offensive to me about the issue with tom) i was just in shock. i yelled "how the fuck is that funny?"

in short, hes a moron, and needs me to punch him when he does these things because he dosent realize the harm he does.

the night before the show was amazing fun, we went to his cousins wedding (not the fun part) the reception was cool (still not as fun as what happen next) then we drive home. my entire exhaust falls off my car on 690, while still attatched somewhere. (thats the fun part) so we are in nice clothes, on the side of the road on the phone with dad. we decide to drive home, dragging this the whole way making noises that sound like my car is dieing. next day we fixed it with a coat hanger, while waiting for dad to get his guy to take care of it.

dad is amazing fun sometimes lol he changed his cell number but still has it blocked. so i cant call him back because he never told me what the number is.

is it october yet?

I POST BLOGZ!

so yea.....last night was amazing fun. on my mental health day, after what happened with tom and ash, jason decides to chime in. instead of making me feel better for this attack, i get told what i did wrong and that hes on their side.
isnt a bf the person who should always make you feel better? shouldnt he care about you and not tell you anything and everything you do wrong?
before doing anything of status change i sent him a note explaining how i feel, and how he hurt me. also i included that if i dont hear from him by sunday, he wont be hearing from me at all.

it was the typical scenario of total kt head explosion. me sitting in my car in a parking lot, fearing the worst from myself, on the phone with em crying and trying to figure out why everyone seems to hate me. she always knows what to do, and always gets me to think in a different way and thus im always calling her when my entire world explodes infront of me and i dont know why.
she called dad, because i didnt know where to go, my house was not safe, and i could not sleep in my car infront of home depot all night.
i went over to dads house, talked with him over ice cream. we killed a giant fly, and he said he knew what i needed. i need a vacation. i cant afford this i reminded him, because everytime i have money, car, my lovely car (i named it car) decides i need to be stuck on the side of the road. he then told me he has $500 set away for if something came up and this was a good time to use it.


i will be in AZ in october.



the scary part of my head is not my completly irational thoughts. its the fact that while im thinking them, i know it is a bad idea and i know what could happen if i dont get help. its a weird split personality thing. my one side will remember where i have all my pill bottles, and how many it would take to do something stupid, and my other half will tell me CALL EM NOW THIS IS NOT GOOD! i guess its a good thing that i have this, it just scares me when its going on. my bad side thinks of some pretty horrible things and it gets graphic. i always call em and josh though. because they fix everything. even when its just harboring me for a week so i can clear my head in desert air.

it will be good to see alobar and play with tea cake, and poke baby potomus, maybe that will be one of her first words, i will do my best to make it that way.


as soon as i get the flight booked, my count down will start. but for now, im ok.

its raining blogs

i can not stress this enough- people suck.

at work, i got harassed by co workers for something stupid till i walked out.

today, i posted a responce to my "friend" saying her getting her car broken into is why i dont leave anything of value in my car, which is true, i have a shirt and some pants in there, thats it. and aparently that was rude? either way her bf who happens to be my "brother" tom, flips shit on me saying how i bitch all the time and what a cunt i am. he then unfriends me.

i am in the middle of shit storm wtf and i dont see the end to it.

my tires blew, my vacation got canceled, my job is now so stressful and uncomfy that i want to quit, my "friends" hate me and my bf is selfish.


i quit.

apathy, because its easy?

its that time of year when it takes actual concentration to eat. not that i cant eat, i just dont. stress, anxiety, and just general apathy cause me to wake up from my mid day nap only to realize i have yet to eat anything, but if i eat now, ill ruin my dinner with jasons family later tonight. its weird. im weird. you know this.

i went to the fair yesterday, only to find that much like christmas has been for me for the last few years, the fair is no longer what it was. i met up with uncle bud and aunt linda, watched some ducks race, then wandered off by myself to find mom who feeds me, only because i knew i NEEDED to eat at some point in the day, and she feeds me for free. (see i know i need to eat, i just forget to eat)
when she got done with work we went to the center of progress building, where dad had found these little self stable eco systems in plastic cube thingys? they are kinda cool and have 2 little frogs in them. you feed them once a week and all is good. theres a snail in there too i think. anyway, in usual dad fassion, he saw these, thought they were the coolest thing on earth, got one for hannah and mom and now my kitchen needed one so he got me one too. i named them remmy and wade, like gambit and deadpool.

mom took me home and i went to go get jason, for our fair adventure.
we wandered, he ate random food, i played the bowling game and lost $7 on it. then we went home. we were only there for a few hours. we did all we wanted to do, looked at the bunnies (i miss harvey)

just seemed, blah, like no magic like there was before? even last year was the same as all years but i managed to psych myself up about monkey races and wine slushies and hanging out with family, this year no ones there at the same time and there are no shows to see.

i blame stress induced apathy.


YAY HEAD SPLODY!