simply put

i win

blarggggggggggg

so as anyone who has been reading this fucked up train wreck of a relationship, you will be happy to know its on hold for a month.
it came down to break up or try this and its ok.
i figure if it ends, then hell, ive had over a month to remember what being alone is like, and if it goes back to us together, then yay.
until then, im taking this month to do what i want. my tattoo will be done, im gonna fix my room up, go to scranton to drink with hannah, drive to binghamton to see feather, go to group, and such fun things like that. i think it will be good for me.




as hard as it is right now. the crying has gone down though. and thats a plus.

moving on and the art of self deception

im at a pretty shitty point in my life. where at one time i had everything i could ask for in a relationship i now have the facebook branded "its complicated" and im not quite sure what to do. ive tried to fix it but theres only so many circles we can tiptoe around till we eventually hit the break up landmine that neither of us actualy want to step on, but know its coming anyway. so we tell eachother we can work on it. that maybe this nice dinner will magically fix all our issues. if there was such a magic steak that would make us back to how we were i would suffer the chrones attack. but we all know this is not the case.
so i do the next best thing. i hope for the best, i expect the worst. i make a back up plan to focus my time on being sams personal photographer for his band. be the cool rock photographer chick that my brother sees me as. maybe meet someone new but thats not my main goal.
i made a new facebook account so i can abandon the other one which is filled with so much happy me and jason times that it makes me sick to my stomach. if the time comes, im just going to let everyone know to save what pictures i have on there that they want before i delete everything. go to the new one, and add those close to me again. start new.
i still have 2 shows planned for january, so i need a back up person to go with on those adventures.

ive said this before and its proving true, its harder than i thought. ive put everything of me into him. when i see something i think hed enjoy, i pull extra hours, save money and make it happen. its realy frustrating when i dont get the same in return. and honestly, the money is weighing heavy on this. i realize how i could live off $25 a week in regards to food and entertainment. right now i save $50 a week for this. i could put so much money away, just saving on gas alone.

and i HATE that it comes down to money and apathy. that hurts me that i even think that.


i try to stay positive, and i try to make my own happy, but i dont know what to do.

your shit in a bag

i guess things have smoothed out. we have talked more than ever. he has alot to work on, i have some things, but its not nearly as bad as him. its true, we have gotten boring, but we are taking steps to make that better.

monday he was over, i napped on the couch while he went into my room to set up the bed for some snuggles and other activity that no one wants to hear about. i forgot that out of rage i bagged up everything hes given me, anything of his that was here, the framed picture of him, and such and set it on top of his pillow on my dresser. when he pulled me into the room, the pillow was on the bed. he saw his stuff, all together in the bag, so unmistakably his, and i knew he felt it. he knows whats going on, he knows hes on thin ice.

tuesday night we went to see the black dahlia murder, and some other bands. he was sweet, i was no longer just standing with him, i was "his gf katy" as he introduced me to any and all people he knew. when we went to taco bell for food, and mine was spicy so i couldnt eat it, he hugged me and offered to get me something else, said he loved me and said we need to go to bong farts after. kt belly safe food.

so i guess all is good. hes trying, im letting him try, but im also keeping my eyes open, because what happened before, will never happen again.

emotional clusterfuck

this week...ugh, yea this week has been insane. feeling depressed, angry, sad, happy, alone, while having the desire to hide, but making efforts to work on myself at the same time.
jason ignored me for a few days, thursday i IMed him asking if he was going to a movie premire with a friend, because if he was, i was going to avoid it to keep from having issues. he told me to go, and then to text him when done. we ended up driving to wegmans, talking till about 430 about all that has happened.

hes bored with us.

i can not stress how much this hurts.

i understand though. convienience isnt always good, and this is what has happened. when we first started, we had school. school meant if we were lucky, we would be on the same bus, we could walk to class, and POSSIBLY meet up for a few min to hug inbtwn class. one night a week we could possibly spend the night, but sometimes that couldnt happen due to reports and homework. hanging out alone was a difficult task, it involved 2 busses and alot of walking. but for those few hours we were together, it was worth it. we also had disposable income at that point, he had more hours, i didnt have a car to put gas in, or a fancy phone.

the past year, i got a car. we stopped going to school, his hours got changed, things got too easy and because of this, too routine, and boring. i can now drive to see him any time i want, instead of looking up when the next elm hill bus leaves and when the next erie bus leaves down town. theres no specialness to it any more. we get what we want right when we want it. there are advantages to this, but its made things dull and caused issues now. also, while i have more money because of more hours,he feels bad that im paying for everything. its just been rough.

the problem with this whole issue, is that when these things happen, he wont talk about them untill im vomiting blood from anxiety. he treats me like a dog who shit on the carpet, banned from the inside, i can see what hes doing, but he ignores me. thia frustrates, depresses and just makes me worse.

at least this time he did talk and we know whats going on.

now to the bettering myself part.

i signed up for group therapy, its more than therapy, its yoga, meditation, soscial interaction, and most of all, something to occupy my time. it will take up most of the day, by the time im out, he will be in work, so ill only see him for a little bit after work and over night. im thinking this might help us, and if not, well i have something to fall back on when it all blows up. im realy excited about this.


the hard part is how intertwined everything with us is. the hat i keep my head warm with, he got me, toys in my room, books on my shelf, my gps that i use on a weekly basis he got me. my camera, the one posession that makes me happier than anything, he paid for everything so i could buy it because he knew it would make me happy.
people say to get over him and walk away, but its hard. i understand now how people get trapped in unhealthy relationships, but at this point it hurts too much not to try to salvage it. if nothing else, at least i tried.

we are taking a trip soon, a day trip to easthampton MA, to explore and see a comic artist. the idea is maybe a nice long road trip will help us remember why we got together, again, at least its a try.


im trying to stay positive but in the back of my head is the thought that i bore him.



it makes me cry.

just once id like a good day off

once again, jason is creating drama.

for the past week or so hes been correcting every thing i say. i cant stress how annoying this is. ive told him to stop. he forgets. i give up.

sunday was fine. we had dinner at mom and dads, it was all good. fun hang outs with dad after everyone left. when we went to leave we were talking about whos house to stay at. my house has a king size bed, no nagging mom, and no dogs. its just us in my giant bed. everyone has room, its good sleep. i thought we could sleep here. but no, jason forgot his headphones and at risk of hearing him complain all night/day i said fuck it we can stay at your house.
when we got to bed, he let both dogs sleep with us in his doubble bed. freya slept btwn us so not only did i not get snuggles with my bf which is the reason i sleep with him in the first place, but she spread out pushing us off the bed in either direction. the result was not good sleep for either of us.
when we woke up we were goofing around and heres where the shit hit the fan. he tickled me from behind so i flailed and accidently elbowed him in the face. his reaction, knowing it was an accident, was to punch me hard 3 times in the side. not cool.
he spent the rest of the morning talking nicer to the dogs than me. i dropped him off at work and spent 4 hours hanging out by myself. we had time to cool off.

we got to his house after work and we were fine. talking about what to do tonight and such. peg asked me if we were ok because she knew there was issues in the morning, when i told her we were both calmed down, she took that as a cue to start shit with jason. he shut down. ignored me, ignored her, wouldnt talk. so im upset now because all i wanted to do on my day off, all i ever want to do on my day off, is to go hang out with jason, get some food, see a movie and now this is going on. i wait 20 min, tell him i did nothing to him and that if he dosent answer me im leaving. no answer. im upset and i go to leave. i let peg know exactly why im leaving and how it was fine untill she started shit. she yells at me about how fucking stupid i am. this is where i completly lost it. no one should call me stupid. i drove home to skan crying the whole way. i called dad, let him know what was up. i got home and dad almost lost his job when he found out about the hitting part.
jason appologized for the shutting down part. i asked if he was happy that because of him his mom called me stupid and hurt my feelings so bad. he said no. i said we need to talk. he said he needs a week off. i want to talk. i see him posting happy posts on facebook while i sit here angry and he wont talk about what happened.

all through this i dont know how to feel.


at least last night i got to hang out with sam and gerrard. i got some form of happy.