jaded

maybe its the fact that last year was so stress full that i cant find the ability to care about my once favorite time of year. i just dont care. last year halloween aparked the beginning of jason and my bad patch, one of the most painfull times in my life. there was a calm for a little after that month passed and then there was stress, tons of stress. walmart cut my hours bad. tax season came around and since i had survived i decided to spend all my tax return on killing my loan. my plan was to be debt free by september. i wanted to spend september to december saving $100 each check so id be ready for cuts, so i didnt have to just scrape by, i could still see movies, and do what i wanted, eat taco bell and not live like i only had 13 hours.

my computer crashed, i had to buy another, yet i still squashed that extra $800 by september.

now my car has broken every two weeks since then causing me to not be able to save.

im paranoid and scared shitless that ill struggle again. i cant survive the anxiety a second time.

i need to remember that he lives here now and will help me. that we are better than we were. i need to stop stressing out.





but i cant. im horrible at it. but ill try. tonight we are carving pumpkins with the people upstairs, then i might go trick or treating with them while jason hands out candy. i dont know. we are stuck in the house thanks to my car again. but having neighbors like ours is fun, it reminds me of how it was with sean and halie. we drink wine and listen to music. its alot of fun.