lacking spirit

a lot of bad shit has happened. stuff i dont want to talk about but feel the need to vent in some way so i post here blurry details. through all of this jason has been amazing so before anyone thinks its him, its not. shit has a tendency to hit the fan somewhere before or a little after my birthday and this year was no exception. what it took to fix it was not fun, and to be honest im not quite over it.
i cant get into halloween this year, it happened once before at the old apartment, but last year was awesome so i thought this year would be good too. i started my treat bags for the kids upstairs and the coworkers kids, my one nice thing i do to kids. but still, the decorations havent really gone up yet, still sitting in their bags in the living room.

i just cant get into it. and faking it is getting harder and harder.


so i skate. i kill some frustration with an hour of skating and i feel as happy as im gonna feel for the time being. i focus my energy on finding fun socks for derby, looking at wheels, and buying halloween candy.

roller derby is the only thing keeping me slightly happy but i cant help but think im just gonna walk away from it. im not as good as other girls, and i feel like im so awkward in my form and cant seem to get better no matter how hard i try. i try to remind myself that this is my "down" and it happens twice a year, and i cant help it.

but every day i wake up next to jason, he hugs me before i leave and tells me to have a good day at work and not to let people get to me. he cooks me dinner at night and we watch dexter and it is good.