glue

im fixing it with drinking..... seems to be the thing to do tonight

im sorry bryant. you are too good for that

change

all week, i work 32 hours, go to doctors, freak out at driving lessons



all i ask, all i look forward to



is one hug, and one kiss









fucking ass hole.

stress

so far the doctors think thats whats killing my guts.

ive slipped into passive agression. im not happy about it. but what i want to do is hide, and that comes out as passive agression, when i dont mean it to happen.

[more stress]










im sorry

people as places as people

im not in a good place right now.
sunday was my last skan girl squad evening at blue water. its sad. im not used to this. i skated home crying so hard i threw up. maybe it had something to do with my intestines thing.

i hate this. i cannot stress this enough. my body feels like shit so much that its killed my one night with jason. it hurts, and im scared, and im sad and i end up being no fun. im sick of this.


i want an end to this and a lobotomy.


mr spadaro?

in these new clothes i feel naked

when did i decide to let down some of my walls? and why now?
i bought a school girl costume. something i normaly hate.
i dyed my hair red. and in the process i killed the lucky charms watch.
my identity is gone. i feel naked.

modest mouse made my soul happy, if only for a few hours. but i couldnt help but cry when they played little motel. it was my last big thing with a chick who proved to be the best chick friend ive ever had. and shes going away.(story of my life)

i once was happy. i once had him there. when shit hit the fan i ran to him, and in this past month hes been nothing but the scum i ran from in the first place. thanks ed. i never thought this from you.


[i broke apart my insides]
my intestines thing is still realy bad. aparently if it was the birth control it would have stopped by now, but the bleeding still is bad, the cramps suck and im an emo wreck.[help me]
i have doctors visits planed and an excuse to leave work early.

on freak outs and pandas

no meds. NO MEDS! bad thing!

i freaked out last night over something stupid. whiped a roll of TP at jason which almost hit him (he was impressed by how hard i can throw) then ended up crying in his arms. i hate freak outs. i avoid them, or at least hide them. i try so hard to make sure few people see me cry, more importantly him. maybe it was a good thing he saw it.



we watched everything is illuminated, a wicked good movie garrett left at my house.







then we got dinner and saw kung fu panda with garrett and tony.









it was nice ^_^

pharmacy treat bags

i now realize how so many drug addicts get away with scaming doctors. ITS FUCKING EASY!

i went to my doctors today for my cramps issues and also because ive been having alergy attacks that i never had in skan. because aparently camillus is a whole new climate or something. when i got there i found out that i may have this super rare thing with my intestines due to my birth control and any of the other 20 pills i take regularly. then when i said i was up all night thanks to my alergies, she asked if i wanted some codene to make me sleep. well duh. ive never turned down pain killers. ever. even if i dont take them, i keep them, i have a night mare before xmas lunch box that i call my happy box because its filled with any kind of pain killer i can aquire.

she also loaded me up on anti biotics and random amphetimines to kill what is either alergies or a sinus infection.

aparently im bleeding in my intestines. there was a nice anal exam to find that one out. i dont recomend them. not fun.


mom sent me home with 2 of my dads room fans. sucks to be him, kicks ass to be me in my underoos with a fan infront and one in back. im nice and cool. and medicated. woot!

plotting

im planing my escape from hell.


more info in july

sympathy for cobain

[ the sun shines in the bedroom when we play ]
monday sleep overs are the highlight and shortest part of my week. something about waking up next to him makes me happy then the random conversations we can only have laying around bond us. its the fastest 2 days of the week but it leaves me feeling recharged. oh and we played with puppies today.

[beat me out of me]
my stomach hurts. tonight was cut short by cramps ripping through my guts like a barbed wire covered hook. i keep getting them any time im not bleeding. gross i know. but hey this is my new place to vent, and as if you know anything about kurt cobain, you get how both these paragraphs relate to the title of this blog. if you dont, then go read heavier than heaven.



[the raining always starts when you go away]
my bed is more comfy with him in it, even when hes snoring.