once i had a car

cars and plows dont mix. i learned this the hard way. most of you who actually read this are on my facebook too so i wont waste time with details. this has been one clusterfuck of an adventure ill tell ya. stuck inside because of being with out a car is amazing fun. not to mention the blizzard we have going on here.
so ive been sitting around, researching cars and get rich quick schemes.
the whole thing had been up in the air. fix the pos car or rush into a new one.

as you all know i live for challenge. an adventure.

enter my plan. instead of being "poor" for about 3 years im gonna go with out a car for the winter, save the insurance money id spend, save the gas money, the hang out money that i burn through every time i see a tacco bell. save cans in the basement. try to have about 3k to dump on this new car.

jason wont be happy. but he can deal with it. hes too lazy to get his license and relies on me.

the hard part will be getting to derby, but the way thats working out i may just bail now and go back to fresh meat next year anyway. i could use the extra practice.

hopefully this works.

derby machines need bacon

so here i am, days from my skills test. a part of the breakfast club, the toughest, most determined ladies i have had the privilege to get to know. im nervous. ive worked so hard. the hardest part is getting 25 laps in 5 min. i accomplished this last night and was so excited. in fact, i did it twice. now hopefully ill be able to do it sunday.

its weird to me to find something that just clicks. i can do this. this is something that seems made for me. jason said im just naturally athletic, i dont see it. every time i come home from practice, hyper because ive done something better. i feel it. the click. its there, and im not gonna give up.

last night i had 4 laps to go, and i felt that snap. i sprinted. i skated hard. i felt like i was gonna throw up. i want this so bad i just went. i came in with 10 seconds to spare. i pushed through the wall that was being 2 or 3 laps off. and i did it. i better be able to sunday.

the prize at the end of this is a registered derby name and the ability to skate on the team. to be able to hit hard. to help assault city win. to be part of a team of girls who love me. its amazing. and im nervously awaiting the time to prove myself.

i will do this. ive worked too hard not to.

jaded

maybe its the fact that last year was so stress full that i cant find the ability to care about my once favorite time of year. i just dont care. last year halloween aparked the beginning of jason and my bad patch, one of the most painfull times in my life. there was a calm for a little after that month passed and then there was stress, tons of stress. walmart cut my hours bad. tax season came around and since i had survived i decided to spend all my tax return on killing my loan. my plan was to be debt free by september. i wanted to spend september to december saving $100 each check so id be ready for cuts, so i didnt have to just scrape by, i could still see movies, and do what i wanted, eat taco bell and not live like i only had 13 hours.

my computer crashed, i had to buy another, yet i still squashed that extra $800 by september.

now my car has broken every two weeks since then causing me to not be able to save.

im paranoid and scared shitless that ill struggle again. i cant survive the anxiety a second time.

i need to remember that he lives here now and will help me. that we are better than we were. i need to stop stressing out.





but i cant. im horrible at it. but ill try. tonight we are carving pumpkins with the people upstairs, then i might go trick or treating with them while jason hands out candy. i dont know. we are stuck in the house thanks to my car again. but having neighbors like ours is fun, it reminds me of how it was with sean and halie. we drink wine and listen to music. its alot of fun.

lacking spirit

a lot of bad shit has happened. stuff i dont want to talk about but feel the need to vent in some way so i post here blurry details. through all of this jason has been amazing so before anyone thinks its him, its not. shit has a tendency to hit the fan somewhere before or a little after my birthday and this year was no exception. what it took to fix it was not fun, and to be honest im not quite over it.
i cant get into halloween this year, it happened once before at the old apartment, but last year was awesome so i thought this year would be good too. i started my treat bags for the kids upstairs and the coworkers kids, my one nice thing i do to kids. but still, the decorations havent really gone up yet, still sitting in their bags in the living room.

i just cant get into it. and faking it is getting harder and harder.


so i skate. i kill some frustration with an hour of skating and i feel as happy as im gonna feel for the time being. i focus my energy on finding fun socks for derby, looking at wheels, and buying halloween candy.

roller derby is the only thing keeping me slightly happy but i cant help but think im just gonna walk away from it. im not as good as other girls, and i feel like im so awkward in my form and cant seem to get better no matter how hard i try. i try to remind myself that this is my "down" and it happens twice a year, and i cant help it.

but every day i wake up next to jason, he hugs me before i leave and tells me to have a good day at work and not to let people get to me. he cooks me dinner at night and we watch dexter and it is good.

idle blood

holy shit was this weekend worth the wait. we stayed at a hilton, granted it was a lesser of the hilton hotels, but by that i mean it was only slightly better than the 4 star hotel we stayed at for our 1 year =p. located in china town and directly next to the reading terminal market, it was perfect. the air smelled like noodles, there were cookies in the lobby, and we hit the market at least once or twice a day.
day one started later than i wanted, but with jason, thats always the case. we hit sonic on the way, drove through silly towns with silly names, and eventually got to phili. we checked in, went to see the market to get fed and went to see the liberty bell. when we got home this roller girl was able to take advantage of the hot tub the hotel had and relax my sore legs and feet which are nicely blistered thanks to practice. jason napped then we asked a friend where to eat since we were in china town. this led us to new harmony, a vegetarian place specializing in "duck", and it was amazing. so good. the duck was yummy, and they give you a hot towel and a fried banana at the end.

day two i woke up early for breakfast alone, to relax since jason tends to drive me crazy some times. i get all excited when i ask for tea and a waiter brings me a box to choose from, not a bag of lipton. i went back to the room, beat up jason till he woke up and we headed to the aquarium. i love aquariums and this one had places to touch sharks, star fish, rays and jelly fish. it was alot of fun, got to see a hippo, penguins and a hammer head shark. we then drove to the zoo, which is small, but the first zoo in the US and has quite alot of animals there, saw a baby giraffe, and an aardvark, as well as more penguins and hippos. we decided to go get lunch, and then hit up the concert.

katatonia was probably the best concert ive been too since NIN. we had meet and greet passes and the guys were really cool. they played everything i wanted to hear, and put on a great show. im listening to the videos on youtube now lol

next morning we got breakfast at the market and checked out of our hotel, but went directly to the big bus tour. a doubble bus that takes you on a tour of the city but will drop you off at attractions. we got dropped off at eastern state penitentiary. a cool creepy tour through an old jail that once housed al capone. after that tour we hopped back on the bus and hit up the mutter museum of medical odditys. totaly worth the $14 to see so many conjoined twins preserved and various other creepy fun stuff. i got all excited when i saw the lobotomy kit first thing in. on the way to the bus we saw a street cart which smelled amazing, we didnt know what it was, but we needed to eat it. it had a long line so it had to be good, we were right, it was a greek guy who made a plate of salad, with grilled chicken, falafel and flat bread, and gives you that and a peach for $10, seeing two of us, he asked if we were sharing and gave us extra bread and another peach which was awesome. the food was soooooooooooo good. i cant stress that enough. eat at the cart with the longest line, you will not be dissapointed. there is a reason he has a long line.

we got back on the bus, finished the tour then headed home. stopping at strong hearts for our own home town amazing food before we even stoped home.

amazing vacation, well worth the wait, and completly worth the stress of saving the money to pay for it.

waffles

derby has been fun. i helped out at the last home bout, it was crazy. we lost but it was alot of fun.
im getting better at T stops and am naturally good at laterals (SEAN- think carving on the long board but on skates, going from one side of the track to the other but fast)i think its my long legs.
we got our fresh meat names, our group is the breakfast club, and my name is waffles. i think its way better than the girl who got grits.

i havent had much time to post on this because jason has been home alot. he did how ever pick up a doubble today so is working till 1130 tonight and a full shift tomorow. im so proud.


just waiting on my indian food i ordered to be ready then off to get it then home for some snuggles and indian food. soooooo good.

as far as eating goes, i havent wanted to eat in a long time, just sleep so as soon as im hungry for something, i just get it, no questions asked. its kinda working well except ive been hung up on lunchables.

till the next time i get a free min,

~waffles

fresh meat

this past week has been insane. last monday jason and his mom fought and she kicked him out. i now have him.
sunday was first day of fresh meat training, its gonna be hard but worth it.

things are crazy, stressful and dont show signs of getting better yet. and yea its taking its toll on my body, ive been sick and over tired.

there have been some fun parts, jason cooking for me, and when i come home im greeted with "ikis likes metal" aparently jason was playing guitar and ikis was bobbing his head to the music, so cute.